December 30, 2011

The last few years of my friendship with Rob were very awkward indeed. The local faggots were making his life such a misery because of our friendship that we were reduced to secret telephone conversations in the middle of the night. If my phone rang in the wee small hours, I knew who it was and Rob was good for at least an hour of 'catching up'. He was a truly unique man, a good man, a man who understood and practiced compassion at every level of his life and I'm grateful that he was a part of mine.

December 21, 2011

Rob hadn't worked up at Simcoe Leaf Tobacco very long when some of the gossips on the Legion casino bus took it upon themselves to spread the rumour that he was about to be fired because he was gay. (These very same gossips spread a lot of other filthy lies too.) I mentioned it to him one day and Rob, being Rob, immediately picked up the phone and called his supervisor and asked him if the rumour was accurate. As it turned out, it wasn't. I've always believed that his aggressive response saved his job. Unlike most of the fags in Simcoe, Rob wasn't about to put up with bigot bullshit.

November 23, 2011

Max was considered a bit of a ghost buster but couldn't quite bring himself to cross the passage in front of the elevators at the Lighthouse Festival Theatre.

November 15, 2011

When one thinks about Rob, one can't but help remembering Max. He and Rob were kind of like Port Dover's version of Huntley and Brinkley. Inseparable in the mind's eye. Best friends forever.

October 4, 2011

I well remember accompanying Rob to Port Dover in the dead of winter and spending an evening in a cozy little bar on the main drag enjoying the vocal interpretations of the late Chris Elliott. A woman of substance, for a certainty.

September 26, 2011

Right around the time my gran died, I was sent to Brantford General Hospital for some medical tests. After the tests had been completed, I was sitting in the waiting room when I became aware that some of the lab staff — standing just a few yards away from me — were 'discussing' me, pointing at me and laughing out loud. It felt like they'd been lying in wait. Like I'd been ambushed. After I got home, I sent an email to Rob outlining what had happened. Rob being Rob, he immediately made contact with the chairman of the hospital board — whom he knew because of his family's long-standing connection with BGH — and lodged a complaint. I was truly amazed. It was the first time in my life that anyone had ever stood up for me. Friends like that don't grow on trees. BGH, like Norfolk General Hospital, fails to comprehend their ethical responsilbities to ALL their patients, not just their heterosexual ones. Interestingly the London Health Sciences Centre is aware that this problem exists; and yet it continues to go on to this day. These sorts of issues need to be resolved in both Norfolk County and in Brantford.

September 4, 2011

Brotherly Love by Rob Duckworth

(excerpted from Outlook Magazine — October 1997, Issue 25)

Earlier this year, I was invited to visit a family member for the weekend. Upon my arrival, I discovered my brother was leaving for Toronto, and that I would be alone with his roommate. At first, I didn't understand what was going on, but as I have known him for years, I had no concerns. The reason for the initial invitation was to provide some computer training, but as I soon discovered, there were ulterior motives.

We were sitting together at the computer when the question "What is your take on your brother and I?" was asked. Unsure of what was meant by the question, I responded "What do you mean?" They had been wondering for a long time about me, and decided that I may be more comfortable speaking one-on-one to someone who was not an immediate member of the family. It was then revealed to me that he and my brother were lovers (of 16 years) and they were concerned and curious about me. I informed him that I had no problem with their relationship, delighted they were together, and willing to offer guidance to me.

For the first time in 34 years I was able to comfortably reveal - "I (too) am gay." Never in my life have words had such emotion, impact, and power of healing. I had kept my secret "bottled up", however there was never any bottle big enough to deal with my issues.

I was first aware of my "lifestyle" at the age of 15. Although my brother and I had shared the family home for years as children, we were secretive and virtually unaware that we were both gay. The closest that we came to discovering each other back then was when we were involved with a pair of brothers from our neighbourhood. He was meetingthe older one, I had the younger one, completely unknown to each other until this year.

I was somewhat aware of my brother at a young age when I discovered a book that he was reading at the time. The book was kept in his closet, and I never talked to him about it. I too was in the "closet", and figured that that was the way we were both meant to deal with it.

He came out to my parents over 14 year ago, but it never was spoken about within the rest of our family. Had I been told back then that homosexuality was (and is) a part of our lives, I would have been able to reveal my true self without fear of guilt amd shame.

My life has changed greatly since the loving gesture put forth by my brother and his partner. I have an outlook on life that I never saw posssible when I was trying to live two separate lives. I hid my emotions, feeling and senses away from others, and felt no sense of self worth. It is only when we can accept ourselves and others for who we are, not what we are, that true understanding begins.

After arriving home from my brothers that wonderful weekend, the following message came to me through Susan Duxter's Angel Sighs, and I took it immediately to heart: "There are others who love life as your do, others who are more evolved in their human growth. Surround yourself with people who love as you do and know that you are the ones who can make a difference in this world. You do not have to become a missionary in Africa to do the necessary work with humanity...walk into your community with a keen awareness. The gifts you have to give will find recipients just around the corner. Love and be love's channel. There is nothing else that you must do."

August 11, 2011

Personally I find Dairy Queen portion sizes on the smallish side in all their stores. One evening while out with a friend Rob demanded something more. You know what? The server obliged. Sometimes you just gotta stand up for yourself and good things follow.

July 28, 2011

I don't know whether it still happens but several years ago an un-offical Gay Day was declared at Canada's Wonderland. Nothing would do but Rob had to attend. Not being much of a rides person I spent most of the day relaxing on various benches around the park and enjoying the 'scenery'. Rob on the other hand lined up for every single ride. Finally at the end of the day I gave in and rode one of the white-water dingys down some kind of water slide. We shared the craft with a group of teens from Gay Youth Toronto and a wet time was enjoyed by all. Especially Rob. The kids were fascinated by him.

July 14, 2011

Then there was the day author Michael Riordon came to town. Rob arranged a kind of roundtable discussion group at which we shared what it was like being gay in a small, insular community. Informative. Sometimes amusing. Always useful. Michael was collecting 'perspectives' for his second book Eating Fire: Family Life on the Queer Side.

July 6, 2011

Rob had an 'interesting' sense of humour. Here's a Xmas card he sent to me one year. I know who's who. Do you?

June 23, 2011

Rob was one of the few men in Simcoe, and Norfolk County, who had the courage to take on the corrosive homophobia at Simcoe Leaf Tobacco. The management of the day understood perfectly that, if they fired him based on his sexuality, they'd face a long, tedious and costly court battle. In the eventuality, many is the truck loaded with tobacco that he unloaded all by himself because other employees — especially the catholic immigrants — refused to work with him. Shame on them.

June 16, 2011

We were going away for a few weeks and I asked Rob if he would cut the grass for me. To Rob this was an opportunity for a bit of 'performace art'. Apparently he showed up in his shortest shorts, and that was about all, and proceeded to get the job done. Anyway, this caused a few ripples on Emily Street's normally placid surface.

June 12, 2011

After re-reading the drivel written about Rob in the Simcoe Reformer, I thought I'd better get my butt in gear and get this project underway. Rob, and his life for that matter, were just fine. Neither needed to be sanitized in retrospect.

First, and foremost, Rob wasn't just gay; Rob was queer — "pink triangle" queer, fighting queer; and he wore this badge with utter dignity mixed with hauteur.

When Rob appeared in his first play at the Simcoe Little Theatre, he requested something of mine to wear on stage. I knew immediately what it was he wanted ... my one remaining pink triangle badge that lived in my "memories" jar. It disappeared into his pocket and that was the last I ever saw of it.

Second. Let's get the crap out of the way right now. Knowing Rob wasn't easy for either of us. Simcoe's and Norfolk County's gay and lesbian communities were hell bent on trashing our friendship just as they had trashed my reputation when I returned here to live in 1995. The pressure on both of us was constant and on-going throughout the remainder of Rob's life; and it continues to this day.

To conclude, the reality is that Rob and I were just friends. To further their own bizarre agenda, those in the local gay and lesbian communities attempted to paint our relationship as something more; but we always proclaimed that we were joined at the heart rather than at the hips; and that's the very best kind of friendship. That's all folks. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Do I miss Rob's comforting presence? Every single day. He was a good man.